Hey guys! Just so you know that I changed my main website to WordPress! Also I just posted on there so I hope you enjoy! Link is down below!
See ya there! https://thoughtsofatraveler2017.wordpress.com/
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"Your up man!" said my friend is all I heard when I finally came to with what felt like all eyes on me in this stadium that felt like I was a warrior in the colosseum, or is it a fool? I stood up trembling and nervous seeing old faces as I walk up to the podium. As I took the walk that felt like the gun before a track race I almost felt as if I was reliving my greatest hits of my college career to long LONG study nights in the CSWS drilling my friends like we were in the military. Another hit of the first time I went cliff jumping in Durango at Adrenaline Falls and as I hit the water I dislocated my shoulder and I'd do it all over again (being the smart man I am I jumped off 4 more times). I came to and there I was just feet away from being handed my diploma from respected professionals in my field, finally I made it through all of the pain and setbacks I experienced now it was worth it. In my life I have never been the favorite or the best student or the best relative and in my past I've messed up like all people and I'm human I accept all my failures. When I was young when these bad things would happen to me as they do when you're young and you think it's the end and all is lost, when these things happened I would tell myself that I would never succeed and that this degree or success was never for me because I wasn't smart enough or talented or worth it that or I'd blame God. Although I can't help but think of everything that's happened and everything I've risen above. Rage, lust, high expectations, guilt, grief, a need to follow in my brother's footsteps, gone to a university that isn't close to home, left everyone I knew, backpacking in Ireland, school, stress, grades, inability to find purpose. Snap back, I'm there on the podium shaking like I've taken a swim in Antarctica and I'm afraid like that first night I was alone in Ireland wanting to break down in the wilderness; afraid, but not scared for the first time as I grab my VERY expensive not-diploma I feel balanced. I don't feel angry at anyone or God, not shamed of my past, I accepted everything that's happened in my life has brought me to this moment and I finally felt what I've wanted but did not know I needed, Peace. 9:07pm, I rub the tiredness from my eyes and sigh because of my graduation dream yesterday made me think of what it could have been. I'm in Durango and not celebrating the accomplishment of graduating college in Downtown Denver, and I'm not at brunch with other graduates laughing because restaurants are closed, and I'm not supposed to leave my apartment because this is the world of SARS2-COVID19 and the world is in a pandemic. I get dressed and go on a small stroll down to Main Ave to breathe in the culture and culture for the last time in Durango as a student. I felt that peace I was talking about above, I felt no grudges no anger I smile and I laugh because life is meaningless without laughter and I firmly believe that. I know the world is a chaotic place and it is ruthless and mean and unfair but I found that the this peace I feel is acceptance of life and acceptance of my nature. After I understood I can better myself while being thankful for the lessons pain has taught me I found a place to be content with my life I've never wanted but I needed, now I appreciate the little things in life and am so thankful for every single person in my life a laugh I smile I remanence but most of all I open my heart to love. I know right, love? It sounds quite silly when I read it out loud but because it's Anthropology Day today let's take a look about what love has done for our species history and I will be only looking at modern humans from 200AD to present day, so all paleoanthropologists can leave sorry:( Let's look back in time shall we? Let's look into the formation of modern cemeteries and funeral practices in the British Isles and Ireland in the Bronze and Iron Age. During this time a lot was happening in this region like the increasing popularity of chiefdoms in Ireland and the Iron production in Ireland and England, and of course the Bell Beaker people doing their awesome trading and just being all around cool with help grow trade in this region and many others! Although with funerary practices where we see a meaningful placement of bodies is found with Homo Neanderthalensis which we have found evidence of meaningful placement of bodies in caves around 115,000 years ago in Israel. This practice is seen as important in terms of kinship systems and nature versus nature and so many more aspects about these people we can learn from this. If you wish to know more about our story I emphasize that you give The Fifth Beginning: What Six Million Years of Human History Can Tell Us about Our Future from Robert L. Kelly a read because it really gives a very brief overview of how we came to be and where we might be going. Honestly it's a...strange time? Although we are going through enough hard times in our world to last a lifetime I remain strong in my faith and my hope that as always we humans will prevail. I used to think this world was ugly and mean and just horrible but I realized it is not as ugly as you think and there is goodness in the world and so much to look forward to like travel, food, friends, memories you have yet to make, friends you have yet to make, lovers you yet to meet. I have faith in the human race that we can come together in our darkest hours, because isn't that the reason we've survived this long? No one gets by in this life alone and I have defiantly learned that the hard way but I have hope and that's enough. So I recently got surgery that has put me out of commission from December to late January and I really got to take a long look at my life and my schooling, archeology, photography, journaling and such! It was a very introspective time and I was lucky enough to have my last good byes in Durango and after 4 years I will leave a piece of my heart there. Currently I am searching for jobs as I've recently graduated with a bachelor degree in archeology and hoping to pursue a Masters in Ireland or Germany! Until then I'm paying off my student loans in Colorado for at least 2 and a half years! I wish you all the best and stay safe and healthy!! I also am switching to WordPress so if you want you can check me out there and sorry in advance about the page I'm still editing everything. https://thoughtsofatraveler2017.wordpress.com/ Thanks! Best job in the world. With all that is going on in the world with SARS-COV2 (Covid19 or Coronavirus for short), I thought it was imperative I compose a love letter of sorts to the food and beverage industry (my industry) because we shouldn’t lie to ourselves, we haven’t faced circumstances like this ever. So, this is just for the industry family and how we felt the last night at your favorite bar, or the last table you served, the last drink you poured, the last time the kitchen screamed at you because reasons😊. Before my town had a heart attack and all bars, restaurants closed I was working in a position behind the bar and during that night the drinks poured were very meaningful, there was a feeling when it came to lock the place down a feeling of…uncertainty. But not the “I have 6 cocktails to make and 4 pages in red on the expo board and short staffed”, it was the uncertainty that tomorrow there won’t be a handshake with your regular at the bar or that one couple always comes in for brunch, there won’t be those jerks who really need to grow up or work in our shoes for a day, it’s those things that felt unreal that we would ever live in a world without em. Although during that night it felt wrong when my superior and I closed those doors to a place I can confidently call home those things won’t be the thing I crave the most (although learning mixology and showing me the beauty in our industry is a close second). It’s the people both employees and our patrons, spending hours on hours with these people flinging back sarcastic one liners, helping each other out when they are in the weeds, after work drink (or more), and so much more. After we closed those doors and a few days went by then I realized this work family all practically lived together, after being apart for a small bit I realized these people are the most important people in my life and at least I depend on home to take care of us and it does, is what I’ve realized when we take care of it and it in return does the same for us. Whenever we come back and turn on that light and we will, I hope that we understand how important people in this industry are and what this crazy lifestyle does for us and that we are in this together just like both BOH and FOH we need to all do our job to make this situation better and end sooner so we can get back to the stick. To everyone in the industry and that are suffering from this terrifying situation, stay strong and lean on your team. These are crazy times, but we know crazy and you can’t deal with this alone because recently a friend of mine got coronavirus and stay home because this is not the time to have protests. This is life and death truly, how we live and how we die it’s up not up to me, but we have a choice to allow others to live by sacrificing our comfort for happiness later. This is the next world and how we treat it will define us as individuals, many more will die but don’t be the dumbass that thinks they know more about this virus than epidemiologist because coming from someone who has friends and contacts in health organizations, they know better. So I love all of you crazy assholes but do me a solid and stay the fuck at home because even if you are young, this isn’t about you it’s more for others and like I said nobody gets through this life alone. Stay safe y'all Btw I bought a dog in December sooooooo happy quarantining!!! P.S. if you feel like saying something dumb or negative just do like everyone else Karen and shut the fuck up:D Interpreting Zhuang Zi passages in my Own Words: 1. “The person of consummate humanity has no self, the person of insightful spirit has no accomplishments, the sage has no name”. The first part of this text had me a little confused about the nature of “consummate humanity”, this would literally mean having perfect humanity. Although I cannot say that this is impossible to have but there would have to be a description of what defines perfect humanity which I think is even more difficult to explain. I interpret the next line as if a person that is very wise or “enlightened” would know that accomplishments are temporary and in the grand scheme of things means nothing and would acknowledge that. The last few lines reminds me of shamans and gurus in varies belief systems that find that their soul and their body is different, and their body will die but their soul will live on, which gives their name a meaningless connection to themselves. 2. Now you have a huge tree, worry that it’s useless. Why don’t you plant it in a village of nothing at all, an empty wilderness. It’s life won’t be chopped short by the carpenter’s axe; nothing will harm it; if there is no place to make use of it, where can it come to grief? This has me wondering if someone never experienced love, loss, hate, confusion, dread, uncertainty, etc that they wouldn’t need to grieve. Grief wouldn’t be a concept they understood and could rationalize when and why they feel it, although I have other thoughts on this. I believe there is no way no one could ever have the inability to grief and that it is a part of life, a ugly part of life but like death you can’t escape it. 3. How far can we extend things, inwardly and outwardly, to the limiting points of value and inferiority, or the limiting points of the small and vast? We place value on certain things that will ultimately benefit us in the long run weather that be psychological, physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. We try and push or stretch ideas or events or reactions in our life to better justify how we understand and comprehend it, we see this with religious groups and their outwardly expressed ideas and with corporations in the world today. Truth be told I believe everyone will at one point in their life feel completely inferior to something or someone and some might feel superior to people. This can happen at work, with family, career, education, people picking favorites the wheel just keeps on turning in this regard. There will always be someone better than you at something you do and that’s just the state of living. 4. A battering ram may be used to breach a city wall, but it cannot be used to plug up a cavity. This staying could never be truer in our society today with just our career fields being so specialized you need a masters degree! In my field of study anthropology which is the study of human past if you look at it from a simpleton perspective. My field has four sub fields focusing on anthropology from biology, linguistics, culture, and archaeology, if that wasn’t enough then there are sub fields within these sub fields like bioarcheology, geophysicist, osteology, pathology, ethnoarchaeology, ethnobotany, and so forth. The world will always be just as specialized as Zhuang Zi said above it’s just a lot more fields and I really like this passage. 5. Living and dying are matters of circumstance. As right as this statement seems to be I feel like this needs more explaining from my interpretation. I think he is trying to say that we don’t get to choose our time to die and there’s no way you can ever be ready for it. Sometimes it’s instant and other times it’s not but it happens due to circumstances of life weather it be old age, cancer, accidents, genetics, disease, shootings, suicide, unsuccessful adaptations in the past to our environment and the animals environment. Death is what gives life meaning though 6. But if they (humans) do not add more to life, how can they maintain themselves? Many times in our life we find ourselves doing certain things or just having one too many shots of tequila and asking ourselves “who am I and what have I become?”. These questions are common well into adulthood and this passage I feel like is the justification for having our individualism as humans because if we just look at our biological and genetic makeup we as a species are 97.99999 percent similar so what would we do to maintain ourselves as being the “you” as an individual and not just part of the species. I would do a lot for separating myself as the individual me due to the fact I like me and It took some time to figure myself as the individual out. Cracking twigs in the distance, branches snap from what seemed like the pressure of the densest molecule slowly collapsing into nothing. A intense brush of ice cold wind slashes across my face as I look in all four directions, paranoid I have no where I am and slowly start to jog to catch my breath after all this frantic running for what seemed like 3 grueling days ever sense I saw the twins. I’m kind of out of time to tell you about them so I’ll stick with they are dangerous and bad brother and sister, it all started when I gazed into this “sacred” place from my childhood. So I’ve been running from them for a while and they are terrifying even worse up close. So there I was 5:45am I got out of my tent outside of Glendalough made my crap ramen or what Ireland calls it, as I smelled that familiar smell that was almost repulsed my gag reflex packed up and made sure I was safe and I carried on towards the west. Still cold as a NYC winter breeze as I made it up this humongous hill and I caught a glimpse of the safe zone, I new Castlepark was not far away now County Galway to be correct. As I was resting in this lovely cavern with just enough sunlight to heal up some ankle wounds and my rope burn on my neck. I was sitting and leaning on this corner for a nap and then I heard his voice, the brother and my heart skipped beats he was right above me and then I saw him. Strong, unhinged, imposing, smart, and most of all no morals and has no care for the damage he inflicts, and nothing to lose. His talk was brutish and confidant like he could cut an entire tree down in one swipe, he was all I despise in a human being. He looked me dead in the eyes and told me with those void pitch noir deep sockets for eyes, filled with rage and a manipulative tounge, his clothes sagging and clearly not kept well. Then before he vanished before my eyes in a cloud of black mist he told me a few words that stuck with ,me “I’ll be around”. As I hiked fast through this dense forest I worried because it would be pitch dark in a few hours and then I couldn’t resist when I stumbled on some pristine hot springs. As I was bathing in these hot springs that felt like a familiar home I kept going over what the black socket brother said to me, just for some reason it was driving me insane. Before I could actually relax after everything I just heard a quick very polite tone like you would hear from a nun “Evening”. I turned around to see the sister with those wide somewhat narrow eyes, closed legged and writing something down in a notebook like I was being studied. In my gut I knew where ever she went she was the quietest in the room but also the smartest. The way she moved with a straight back and booming confidence like she knew exactly who you were and all she could see was how to achieve her goal, because her whole life that’s all that drives her. Goals, achievements, perfectionism, she’s planned everything to any moment with just the right words to say and when to smile when to be aggressive. Life is a science to her and she learned how to make it her bitch, all at a cost of driving others away for greatness. Not her problem for those she never hurt. Never stopping and never getting slowed down, to never show weakness but to she’s fine on her own. Bright smile, objective, uncompromising, stubborn, you get in her way and you will be moved painfully. But the worst thing was her bluish eyes that they show she’s gone through tremendous pain and death in her younger years, she’s found her equilibrium at the cost of the old her and her past was destroyed along with everyone and what she believed in. Walks over to me kneeling to just tell me before fading into white almost angelic mist with streams of fading green, straighten herself and fixed her long black coat and told me “Sooner of later you will have to face up to what you are”. Then there I was waking up in a tent in this lovely field outside of Glendalough, sweating and annoyed by this recurring dream, wiping the early morning out of my eyes I just sat outside of my tent for a while. While I had a lovely time in Ireland I truly did discover many things about who I am, discovered anthropology is what I want to do as my lifelong carrer, found equilibrium in myself. As I’ve been back in the states I lost that equilibrium and those twins who represent myself at my two extremes in my life and me trying to mesh them together to become me again. People can say well just ignore those personalities when you feel them coming out, you see that’s like burning a scrapbook you don’t and if you do there’s going to be hell to pay. I cannot get rid of these two because they are a part of me and it scares me if I got rid of them when they are gone how do I know if I got rid of the best of Cameron? They both have their demons and angels, hopefully they even each other out and usually they have been in the last year. Now listen I’m not saying keep all the bad of you and never try to get better than who you were yesterday but don’t try so hard to live without faults or you will create new ones I know this the hard way, in short the brother and sister in this were the two people I was and am and they are the good and bad sides of me, bad needs to exist for good to thrive. These past few months have been a wild great ride and a week or so ago I had a little conversation with an old friend talking about stuff and things. But as I realized I was looking for advice in a person who knew me when then it hit me. This old friend didn’t know me really, it’s been so long sense we have seen each other or ever caught up in these past years. Even if we met again and spent an hour with each other that person wouldn’t even recognize me and ask me all the question of what changed and why I am who I am right now ya know the whole package. It’s a frightening thing to say that about who you’d consider that person back in the day doesn’t know you truly. It goes both ways sometimes. It’s something I’ve realized recently to adapt to change with life see because life is about accepting change and moving forward but some people just see the old you either it be the brother or sister side of you, rage or collected, manipulative or honesty. Along with this I have adapted to a big issue in my life while in Ireland in this lovely tea shop near Galway Bay. That was my issue of finding “the one” you see I thought I needed someone to complete me but that is not true for me or anyone. You don’t need a lover, a god, a soulmate, you don’t need any validation from anyone but you. I came to the acceptance and change of mind because my career has a sometimes big travel portion and divorce rate, I realized finding that one lady in some place in some country might not be in my future. I may never find someone for me and after a long talk with a wise mother in Shannon airport It’s okay with me and my career comes first as it always has in my life, there is no specific checklist for a human life like get married, be a doctor, make the parents proud, have kids, grow old, and die. The world your life is all what you want and can make it. My whole life till 18 I believed that life had a plan that all of this world would get better and that there was just a plan for my life. Now as I’m older I know that is not true and everyone is just winging it, just people trying to do their best where it’s far to easy to do your worst. Now if you want to put god in this paragraph then hear this. This world has suicidal people, young men marching off to die in a old mans war, famine, suffering, disease, war, rapists, genocide, ethnocide, murderers, etc. If people tell you that god is real and he sees this what’s happening on Earth and he is okay with it and they give you some bullshit bible verse from some old dirty book. Tell them they are psychotic to believe a man that is in the sky with all the power in the world that loves all people would keep letting all this stuff keep happening. That’s literally insane. Plus when it comes to archeology and anthropology there is no confirmed physical evidence of Jesus Christ ever living, no bones, no person. Only inferred and wrongly and now correctly dated inferred evidence that disproves god. I get it the black death people needed something to believe I for hope and all in old societies to give them a basis and all, but we have grown up a little now the question is if we need it anymore? Or my last two favorite theories which is that god is not all good or he’s not all powerful. I’m not a narrow minded person to say god isn’t real, because of my career I cannot confirm or deny the existence of a god. But do we really need it anymore, God has been said to justify too many terrible things and it’s time we grow up from fairy tales. Old Library at Trinity College in Dublin, IrelandExcavation sites around Isert Kelly Castle where I worked in County Galway Sweat trickling down my face like clockwork as I bolted pass these huge ornate pines, like clockwork my heartbeat was put in sync with my wristwatch. Looking back to see if I could catch my breath which seemed like ages ago, clear for now. I ducked behind a fallen log to kill this disgusting thirst I’ve had for a few hours now. Twigs snapping and the ground shaking I made another run for it to cross that safety line 10 miles out, “I’ll make it out again” I told myself. This forest is damned and I’m not dying here, but let’s be honest I’ve already died many times here, I pass by old memories and the voices and images of the dead trying to trip me or grab me to pull me down, lucky for me I’m a native to grief and despair. I’m not dragged down by anyone of them anymore, I killed those problems and I locked their essence in a coffin buried it 700 feet below the ground. I was exhausted and almost crossed that line just before that fading shadowy phantom could grab me, blacked out. Woke up and it all starts over, same shit, different demons.
Everyday I have woken up to face the judgement that I have laid out for myself, to atone for the mistakes I’ve made and the consequences that I’ve dealt with and how I faced them. As I’ve gotten older and just a bit wiser I learned you will never lose your demons and they become a part of you or you bury them, or both if your good like me. This forest, my prison, my purgatory. My life isn’t something to cry over but we’ve all done things we can’t come back from and they become part of who you are, and you can never go back to who you were before. To everything that happens in this purgatory, to hell with you and I’m gonna burn you and wake up in the morning and have a smile and act ok because that’s your job. There is always a darkness growing inside of every single one of us, and like a dark dangerous beast it is our duty to fight this evil son of a bitch and cage it with every precaution to make sure it doesn’t sneak out or break out violently to attack everything you love and hold dear. See this “darkness” has had many names like your dark side, the other guy, you get the point. This thing will lurk in the shadows and feed on all negative thoughts, actions, how can you protect yourself from this if you have lived in the dark your whole life? You should then be ready to fight every day and realize that your life will consist of demons and bad shit to happen and to tempt you every day and for you to make a life worth living while living in a never ending sadistic purgatory. About a week ago I met the other guy and I let him out to roam and everything I imagined about this dark side of me was brought to the surface. I’m going to first tell you this, you don’t need to lose your life to die. Secondly when your away from all normality and you rely on the people around you like I do in Durango, these people because like family because they are all you have for a few months. Maybe I’m feeling sentimental but these people are family to me. After everything I’ve gone through, everything I’ve done, everything I’ve overcome, all that I endured and risen above. All of it came to the surface a week ago and I became this narcissistic basterd that has no regard for anyone, even the ones I cherish the most. I let all the demons out and let them roam and after all I’ve been through it was let out. Someone told me a week ago in a dream that from that last blog post “ This is what you’ll become”. A few days ago someone told me about my dark side said it was part of me. It’s a scary thing when you lose a friend by the actions of the “other guy”, but if I’ve ever realized who I am is that it’s not that darkness. You don’t know hell unless you let people see that side of you and realize being a man with a good heart and morals will always take a toll on you in different ways. If these people are reading it, just know that isn’t me and I’m glad to call you my friends and family. This dark side made me realize who I am and what needs to be done and It’s more than being an ass hat, it was the reason behind all my trials and you probably don’t care and you think I’m just that one guy that provides nothing to our little group. My massage to all those who think they want people to see their dark side, take it from me, you don’t. Keep that crap buried deep where no one will ever see it. Because it will haunt you for a good while, and like I said. You don’t have to lose your life to die. “Don’t let hate consume you” whispered that soft, female, yet stern Scottish voice to my quivering body that was shaking more than I thought possible. I looked at my hands with what I could make out there was blood everywhere, I looked down on my hands trying to not touch my face and I got up and realized I was still in that crappy hotel in Flagstaff. I gathered myself looking at the scene that was before me, there was two people on the floor with bullet holes in the walls. I turned one of them over and saw myself from 5 years ago with solid blackness where my eyes should be “this is what you are” it told me before evaporating into mist. I rolled the other one over, me again with slit wrists saying “this is what you should’ve been” it screamed at me. I stepped back and went to the bathroom with no door, looked in the mirror and with a bloody face and a realized there was a combat knife. I dropped it when I looked up at the mirror of my reflection of me but with those fully dark eyes sadistically laughing.
I jolted right up and immeditly went to check on my clock, 3:15am and still raining though my sweat made me hunch over to grab reality from this terrible dream I’ve had. Almost automatically checking my hands to be sure, after that I stood up and didn’t go back to sleep. It all got me thinking who I was and who I could’ve been. I missed a text from my friend from texas when I was on a religious experience a long time ago and it said “The burden of a good man is heavy and near impossible to fulfill alone, you can’t live this life Cam without help and if you keep blaming God, it will kill you in the end.” I’m gonna be honest this was a fully true dream that took place and freaked me out more than I should’ve let it. Something about it has just been gnawing at me, bringing me to remember who I used to be and the now me with the same darkness inside myself, I’ve just learned to repressed it. As I’ve gotten older I’m realizing that your mistakes and your demons will never leave you, you just learn to live with the pain and your past. I’m not a good man and I’m not looking to become the next big journalist and have six digits to my paycheck, even though that wouldn’t be half bad to have. When I was young I believed I was destined to do amazing things and accomplish wonders, that was such a beautiful lie. Look I’m not a guy that cream coats anything and I’m not a genius and I’m a mess Monday through Sunday, and I’m okay with not being the smartest guy in the room or the ladies man. Because that isn’t what life is all about, even though looks can help. Who I was 5 years ago was a different monster and I let my demons win and to be very honest, I liked it. Then while I became this ugly son of a bitch I lost all I cared about and more importantly I lost everything that made Cameron Hogan who he is, was, and should’ve been. I lost my moral compass and the ability to care for the death of others, then in 2 years I was a shell with something else walking around just dying slowly and thought “Maybe the darkness is for me?” I lived like this for 5 years till a tool of the Lord brought me back to regain myself and little by little I pieced myself together. But all those scattered fragments of myself were gone and far away, so there I sat in a closed room looking up at the sky wondering where my life was going. Then I got up climbed the tallest point I could find and looked at the stars and screamed to the heavens saying for the God up there to smite me and that I’m not who he wanted me to be. I’m done and buried my rosary right there on that point and through any divine being out of my life. Then for three years my life started to improve and I thought that was the problem, relying on some godly being and for those 3 years I got better grades and had more friends and was enjoying life. Now there is a difference between enjoying life and finding your happiness in life. In my freshmen year of college I was talking with friends out by the plaza building and I was preached at by some short blonde that at some point showed me to a small group of a good band of believers that I’d later become very close to even though I never showed it. Then I saw their compassion and kindness for all people, it amazed me and made me remember the compassion I used to have and then in the end of my 2nd semester at that college I left them without a word. Now I’ve been thinking who I am now and how I’m all pieced together and I’m not me, but it’s who I am now and I must live with that. To be honest right now I don’t see any point in forgiveness or redemption, the thing is you don’t need anything or anyone to forgive you. If I am sorry for the things I’ve done and said and I’ve apologized and all, then that’s it and that’s all that’s needed. Honestly we all die and are buried, burned, etc. Then in time we are forgotten and our memory will slowly die and we will be nothing and we will mean nothing to anyone on earth. Just because that is what lies ahead doesn’t mean there is nothing to live for right now. There’s movies, change, discovery, happiness, Taylor Swift, spaghetti, etc. My point is when it comes down to it, we all leave this earth the same and we are all forgotten. We don’t have to let that destroy our happiness though, we can find our own personal happiness. We all have a darkness and demons we must resist and fight, but remember every now and then look at them and what the world wants to turn you into and say “No, I am better and will not let this hate become a part of me.” If this is your first time reading my blog I welcome you and allow me to tell you my story because it should be out there.
I am Cameron and I'm a 20 years old college student living in Colorado, USA, I'm an average joe with mediocre writing skills but is majoring in journalism, weird right? Well I'm not much of a awesome exciting guy, I grew up with good family and good friends and I couldn't lie I was privileged to be born into this life this time around. When I was 4 or 5 years old I was diagnosed with ADHD and I really didn't think much of it because I didn't understand my disability and even now I don't fully understand it. Life was pretty normal for a long time. Till around 4th grade then I was forced to move schools and leave my closest friends because of my disability and let me tell you I thought it was the end of the world with everything I got used to and finally was getting the hang of it all. I went to 5th,6th,7th, and 8th grade at 2 different schools. Those years were very lonely and I felt very isolated for most of the time. I was never the cool guy, if anything I was the guy you thought was weird and stayed away from, but there was a few people who I became friends with. These people seemed alright to me and I really owe them a lot to how I act today because of them. Well after 8th grade I had to choose between two separate schools, all my middle school friends they were all going to Rock Canyon and you would think that is a simple choice to go where my friends are. Well last day of 8th grade a majority of my friends told me that most of them felt sorry for me and they completely crushed me out of their life. So I choose to have a completely new slate at the other school Mountain Vista. Now lets take a dive into the horror and pleasure now that I look back on it that is high school. To be honest my first semester of 9th grade was average, good grades, but not a lot of friends. Till 2nd semester I join track and for the first time in my life, I felt valued by random strangers. Little did I know my friends consisted of my track friends who by the way were all on varsity but good group of people. Let me just say this, I was nothing special, I was a sprinter and a not great one, never made varsity and all I cared for was having fun and getting out of class early. But along with track in high school I joined DECA which might possibly be the greatest choice I made in high school. DECA is if I'm correct, an national marketing club that competes around the united states. It was awesome to learn basic skills that I even use today when I'm interviewing for summer internships and summer jobs. But after freshmen year and having my first kiss and my first breakup which if I could tell my past self is "stop worrying about her so much man, it's going to be just fine." Anyways in the end of my first semester of sophomore year I was walking down a hall way after getting a drink of water after track and I received a voicemail from my best friend. I tiredly sat down while sweaty and I heard that my childhood friend Megan committed suicide. I at first was in this trance state that I didn't understand death, I layed back on this thought and my brain was rushing through every experience I've had with her. Gone, just like that. A few weeks later I was doing better and during the end of the day the whole school was put on lock down and we were alerted to the active shooter inside Arapahoe High School. Confusion and disorientation filled my school because of how close it was to us. I walked out to the horror of my fellow classmates and people I've laughed and hung out with. This scene of kids going home, crying students lined the walls like shattered glass. Not a teacher in sight to comfort them, it was on everyone of us to be the friend you didn't ask for in this time. I saw a broken community and there was no happiness in the air with what was the whole outcome at AHS. Later at school I found out that a friend that I only knew a few times because of my brother, Claire Davis has been shot by Chambers. With all this I couldn't peace my emotions together so I lived on and got by with each passing day, then I got another call at school telling me my middle school friend Dalton Lambrecht has died while ATV in California. I broke and couldn't take it all and that month I went to three funerals for my friends who didn't even reach 20 years old. Then my relitives and other friends passed, killed themselves or someone else killed them. Death which seemed like a confusing thing to me became crystal clear to me in 3 years, then in the same year I was involved as a peer minister at my church for some time. Then one of my closest friends told me something and I said something that would change me forever. What I said was based on teenage hormones and high strung emotions, I never meant it. But after I did say it I lost all of my closest friends within my church and they all left me. Most of them left without saying a word, I trusted these people with my darkest secrets and we all trusted each other. When they all left me except for one, just one heard me out. I'm forever thankful for her and I'm alive because of her. They all left me, I was already unstable with all the deaths around me and no one to talk to, then this losing all my closest friends and I lost them and I lost my reliugion and gave up on God. I gave up with it all. I lost my friends, family, religion. I lost everything I've held onto to have a purpose of living. So each morning for many years I wasn't me and I was dead. I went to school and work, then I cried myself to sleep and passed my room for hours hating myself. Telling myself I needed them back and I'm the dumbest person on earth. I hated living, but I kept on living because I had to. In senior year Jake Herman died, all I will say is he was one of the most influential teachers I've ever had in high school. But the weird thing was I didn't feel anything when he passed, I got accustomed to the pain and got used to it. I wasn't sorry for my friends when they told me they lost someone, I felt no joy or sadness. This was my life for 5 years, loneliness, death, being hurt, not telling anyone, and not being me. This was my life for 5 years, so after all these years pretending I was dead. I pieced myself back together and I made it out alive and I wasn't the same. Enter college and a lot of it was recovering from first semester and raising my GPA. I was isolated and really living a bad life till I was assigned an average assignment on the worlds religions and I had to go to attend a pooja and talk with Hindus about their religion at the temple in Denver. It was a moment of awe and tranquility I've never experience and I learned so much about what would soon become the religion and the way of life I believe. Before then I became someone else and I was in a state of happiness, oh. Yes I felt real quality happiness for the first time in many years and I wanted more, I learned more. I got more than I asked for with a simple assignment turned into a life changing experience that would shape me to the man I am today. I'm better for Hinduism, happier, unexplained difference on how I precive life and people. I even raised my GPA to transfer to Fort Lewis in Durango this August. Life is crazy and complex Cry and live a little. Hi there, look I know it’s been a long time and to be honest I forgot about you and time catches up. A lot has happened and I think it’s best to write it down to remember who you were, who you are, and who you will become. You think I’m traveling or doing something spontaneous that reflects my personality? Not even close, but I’m doing my background work to get me where I want to be. But nights like these I find some warmth in my life because of who I was and who I am now.
5:26am, why am I still awake? Maybe it’s the nagging voice of what I could’ve worked on today other than putting it off like a February homework assignment I think will never catch up. Maybe it was giving up religion and I might truly be damned to hell, always a chance. It most certainly can’t be, no I’m awake because I wonder if where I am and who I am is because of my friends or me? Did I get eagle scout or did others help me so much I don’t deserve it? Did I leave Catholicism because I loved the people and their relationships other than an actual relationship with God, so when I did what I did those years ago, did I then blame God and was shaped into the man I am today? Are my friends truly my friends or truly using me like so many others? Who is Cameron Hogan when you trip away what’s defined me in my past, what are you left with? Basic human qualities? I digress. I found my way though and I did it almost singlehandedly, it was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took 5 years, but after it all I made it out alive, some don’t. I found a way of life to call my own and I raised my GPA from last semesters terrible 1.56 to a 2.5. Doesn’t seem like much I know but each semester is progress and it raises and it taught me what I need to do to succeed. The only thought it my head was if I’m going to lay down and let my future die, or fight my way back to make it to where I can have a great job that lets me travel to the furthest remote villages. Hinduism is complex and so different compared to my Catholic roots, I learn new things daily and truth be told I’m a shit Hinduism believer, but I’m trying each day and it’s hard to leave a religion you’ve been taught for 18 years of your life to be the only true religion. I left something that was burned into my memory for so long and I was truly judged heavily. I expected it and my response is something this newly married cop once told me “You just be the best person you can be, whatever that looks like to you.” Not only that but you all know I was working my ass off for transferring colleges this upcoming fall? I was accepted and will be attending Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado this fall majoring in Journalism and minoring in Anthropology with a concentration in Archeology!!! With now acquiring a job for only this summer and being accepted to FLC, I felt pretty damn good. I have a new school, and a new way of life, and what is most important to me right now is for the first time in a long time I am happy. It took 5 years, losing my faith in any god, most of my friends leaving me, finding journalism, msu Denver, being miserable with no one to really comfort me. But right now, I may not know what the hell I’m doing but right now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I was depressed, miserable, and dead inside for a long time. To anyone that feels this now and is judged because of who you were and now who you are. Please know the world doesn’t like people who are happy when they aren’t, and it’s a hell of a thing to look forward to who you will be when you see who you are. Now I’m gonna pop in a pizza and horror movies “You are lost” the world said, for which I replied “Aren’t we all?”
Paper after paper, test after test, sleepless night after sleepless night I lay awake wondering like any other sane person, “what am I doing?” and “Will it all work out?” I laid there after my unhealthy amount of studying, thinking about my future and my next steps after 2 years at Fort Lewis. My goal to work for travel magazines, travel websites, freelance, whatever I can get my hands on. Travel, life and experience the culture, write, then be sent somewhere else and do it again. It’s possible. As I have been getting closer to these last 5 weeks of my freshmen year of college I can’t help find my mind getting sidetracked by the cheapness of travel that people say is far too expensive. People always say that travel is so expensive for plane tickets mostly, but if you have the time you can get a ticket to Italy for 400 dollars, stay in hostels, use B&B, etc. Travel is only expensive as you wish it to be. This semester because of my failure last semester has been just me raising my GPA to balance out the ugly GPA last semester and for that I really haven’t been able to socialize through physical interactions because of how busy I am and how hard I’m working. I’ve been doing much better because the great thing about rock bottom is the only way to go is up, or just stay there and feel sorry for yourself. I wasn’t about to let that happen and I got up. I got up not because I wanted to or that I thought it was the right thing to do, or to make my family proud. In my room above my bed I have a few things on my wall, I have a lot of maps, yes maps. Maps of places I’ve been and of the world, I mark that map with 2 different colors of places I’ve been, places I will go. One night I looked up to that map not thinking much of it from many hours of homework that I wasn’t trying on, I was looking at it and I felt for my water bottle with my tired sweaty hands to find I grabbed a book titled Italy. Then I remembered why I’m doing any of this and why I decided to go to college. My move to Italia, my passion for traveling I wanted to make into a lifestyle. I forgot who I am, I forgot what I want from my life and what drives me. I became seduced by the most deadly illness named routine, so then I decided I need to remind myself every day of my life purpose and passion for travel and writing and culture. Every day I have woke up reminded myself of this and it has deffintly helped me understand this one pinnacle fact of my life for my current situation. Schools will be done in years and I can travel in breaks, but this is not my forever, this is short term to help me. That night I rewrote my entire assignment and been working my ass off everyday sense then. I must end with 2 low A’s and one high C, as of right now I have two medium B’s and a medium D. I’ll make it, not because I need to or any of that, it’s because I have to and I don’t have a choice. I think about a quote from my favorite show that sums up my motivation “It’s not about us anymore, it’s about our future.” To those reading this and your struggling for motivation and feeling like you don’t know what your doing (ex: every college student). Find out or remember why your doing the things in your life and remember your passions then how they make you feel and why you love them, then chase that. In this world we get one chance to live, that’s it, no try again card or reset button our your life. Everything you do and everything that happens to you is all because and based on what you do and how you take your life, and what your going to do with that. So, what are you going to do with that? Thank you all for reading and I appreciate each one of you. My blog was experiencing a change in content the last 2 posts. I’ve been so busy I really been super stressed and I thought I do something new and it didn’t go the way I wanted. Like life you lose some ands you win some. I’m happy to announce that I’m back to my normal content and schedule! Have a most awesome day mi familia and I’ll see you again soon. |
AuthorHi I'm Cameron Hogan. I'm your everyday 22 year old friendly worldly traveler. Archaeology is my thing. Archives
September 2018
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